Parent Adult Child

This is the second of a series of three articles which explores the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model that is used frequently within Transactional Analysis (TA). Please note, however, TA is a fully-fledged psychotherapeutic model so this summary just pertains to how it can work with couples. Like the drama triangle, which it pre-dates, it has its own tripartite structure, however instead of rescuer, victim, persecutor it has Parent, Adult, Child. It calls these roles ego states, and TA believes that these roles shape how we both see the world and react to the people in it.

Think of times you have been stuck in traffic, we often react in different ways. We may blame or criticise ourselves or others for going this route (Parent), we may get frustrated or angry, and bang the steering wheel (Child) , or at times we will be rational, accepting this will be a delay of 10-20 mins but in the grand scheme nothing to get worked up about (Adult). 

Often these reactions will be instinctive, and feel as if they’ve come from no-where. Berne believed such roles don’t come from nowhere, they come from childhood and he referred to these as ‘life scripts’.  Of course such scripts don’t just pop into play when we’re driving the car, they're everywhere. When we ask a husband to do something and he doesn’t do it. When we go away and we’re expected to organise everything. When that friend who promises to be there on time never is.

Parent and Child

As with so many games, the fun only really starts when we add a second player. You have individuals who grow up with irresponsible parents which forces them into Parent. This dynamic then carries on to their significant adult romantic relationships. But they do and don’t want to be the Parent, it is a role they both resent yet know inside out.  So at times they lean into it and become critical parent, controlling, ordering and shouting, then other times they resent, feel exhausted, unloved, unappreciated.

On the other side of the ring we have those who are either forced into Child because of controlling or critical parents. Fighting a battle they know they can’t win, they embrace it, they become the rebellious Child or the free spirit. Yet two Children can’t form a romantic relationship and a standard adult doesn’t tolerate such behaviour so they end up forced to get with a partner who is a Parent and then the games can continue.

You may ask what’s wrong with getting in touch with your inner child, isn’t that what therapy is all about? The journey to find your true voice, connect with your true self.  Yes and no unfortunately, as it is a very short step from self to selfish. Yes it may be great to embrace the child within but inconveniently children are not great at two things that are quite important in marriages or partnerships: financial responsibility and long-term commitment. It’s great, for example, if you are in touch with your inner artist, on the other hand who is paying the bills? Or it’s great to be a free spirit, but what about long-term plans and the stability and commitment that provides?

In truth, as with so many things psychotherapeutic, we don’t really know why we gravitate towards one role rather than another. A critical, chaotic parent can create an off-spring who morphs into Child as defiance or Parent to protect. They point isn’t necessarily why we adapted a non-Adult position, the point is using this awareness to modify behaviour.

Observe how issues are power and control shape the relationship, observe the times these Child / Parent roles are pronounced and use this awareness to make change. Yet these positions are defensive and like all armour, yes, it protects, but it also prevents connection. Added to that it is exhausting to carry all this protective  equipment around day after day, year after year.

Game Play

It is important to stress that these are not the same as just standard social exchanges. These are different, these are what Berne referred to as “games”, and like many games they need two or more players. Take the earlier example of the friend who doesn’t show. Everyone is delayed at times, or gets stuck in traffic, but maybe it doesn’t just happen once, it’s happening almost every time.  The normal (Adult) reaction is to conclude this person is unreliable and make allowances. The game reaction is to keep arranging to meet up and to be continually upset that they have let you down or ruined your plans (Child) or to be critical and judgemental that they are not organised (Parent).

Games are often characterised by what are referred to as “crossed transactions”, which are exchanges that at surface level look Adult but are actually or interpreted as Non-Adult. A classic example used in all the textbooks is the following seemingly innocent question: “have you seen my watch?”. Which can produce two non-healthy responses: either “Why do I have to find your watch, why can’t you be organised and keep track of your things instead of always asking me to help?” or “I haven’t touched your watch. Stop accusing me of taking your things”. 

Although Berne uses the term games, make no mistake these exchanges are exhausting. Sustained game play will often result in physical symptoms such as rashes, palpitations, lead to increased stress, it can also affect the neuro-immune systems as well as produce feelings of anxiety and depression.

I’m OK, We’re OK

A colleague of Berne, Thomas Harris outlined a slightly different way of thinking about the same thing. In his book, I’m OK, You’re OK  he outlined for possible permutations we hold and how they impact on our social interactions, they were:

1. I’m Not OK, You’re OK: which he argued was the default position for all children and many adults, especially those in Victim mode and those in Child.
2. I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK: a positions that resulting from an emotional unstable or hostile mother, in which the adult, scared by rejection, rejects all others to protect, especially those who try to connect and support. 
3. I’m OK, You’re Not OK: another position shaped by a cold or abusive parenting and similar to both Rescuer and Persecutor mode. You tell yourself you have to have all the answers, you have to be the strong one, and any message to the contrary will be dismissed or seen as an attack.
4. I’m OK, You’re OK: this is the only non-game, Adult to Adult, healthy outcome. There can be emotions, disagreements, conflict, tears, joy, yet it is positioned with a functional base.

We all grow up all in a land of parent and child, and these internal statements shape how we interact with others. You are adamant you stay in the driver’s seat or you believe you need to be in the passenger seat.

But is that by choice or fear? You stay rooted because you think if you swap seats, you won’t be able later to swap back? Or do you think if you take the wheel or if you give them the wheel they’re going to crash the car or point it in the wrong direction?  Yet all day in the driver's or passenger seat is not healthy and for most couples it is not a viable long-term solution.

Now were all read up on the drama triange and the PAC model the final article of the series explores how to get out of this dynamic.