Blame Is Good

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed -- for lack of a better word -- is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Gordon Gekko, Wall Street.

Do any research into blame will quickly uncover articles which view blame as a maladaptive behaviour formed in childhood or a psychological reaction against previous humiliation or severe reprimands. For example, you were shamed and now you blame. Such articles will argue that blame itself is misdirected or circular and traps individuals within a cycle of powerlessness and victimhood. Or blame will be categorised as a purely defensive mechanism: a displacement of emotion for those unable to reconcile our actual selves with our imagined or idealised self. We are not successful, or our life is not where we want it to be, and we lash out at others. We hold them responsible for our own failings or frailties.

Indeed blame is often compared to anger. Johnny Rotten entitled his autobiography “Anger is an Energy” and, in truth, the same could be said for blame. Indeed, both terms are in many ways synonymous with each other, and prompt the same sort of questions: is blame always a failure of self-control? Can it serve a productive function or is it purely destructive? Is it an emotion to be exorcised, something we need to move beyond or is it telling us something we need to hear?

Historically, most couple therapists shy away from the whole subject of blame. They will persistently categorise blame a failure of control or displaced anger and will bend over backwards to avoid making it someone’s fault. Yet does denying the concept of blame deny the whole notion of personal responsibility? Can there ever be a justification of blame, particularly in relationships, or does it always take two to tango? Sometimes the best way forward, is to simply call it out.

In defence of blame

Now for some blame is projection or protection. Some blame to avoid being blamed themselves. Some hold the victim position in the drama triangle and blame is the first tool out of the tool box (guilt is the second tool). Some grow up watching their parents blame and do the same.

Yet for others blame is more of a function, a tool: it can be constructive or destructive. There are dangers in blaming others too readily just as there are dangers in not blaming others enough. As with internalised anger which some argue can result in depression, so there can be dangers associated with both denying, misplacing or negating blame. The finger of blame is always pointed at someone, and if it’s not them, it has to be pointed at you.

Blame often it alerts us to behaviour that, despite what we may say publicly, we feel is attacking us. Many individuals are often conflict averse, are at pains to be agreeable, and blame does have an instinctive force that can counter this temptation to dismiss, Furthermore, it can serve as a defence against tolerating unhealthy, controlling or manipulative relationships. The danger of conceptualising all blame exclusively as a reaction to humiliation or a denial of personal accountability is that such arguments can suppress or negate functional and healthy manifestations of blame.

Those who are afraid to blame, or who have been convinced blame is a failing, may in turn be afraid to even acknowledge the manipulation. A mainstay technique of controlling or abusive relationships, is to deny such control or abuse even exists. Victims of abuse often report feeling confused, unsure, unable to hold on to whether what happened even really happened. They doubt themselves, their experiences and their recollections. And a denial of blame is an accomplice to such revisionism. In these instances, blame can give clarity; it can cut through the confusion and provide a degree of certainty.

Unfortunately, while it is easy to categorise those who blame or are blamed, this overlooks the complicated and often seemingly contradictory nature of human relations. Blame can both be a reaction to frustration and be a way to release frustration, it can be an example of denying personal responsibility and a confirmation of personal responsibility.  It can be the result of current circumstances or a historic hang-up or learned behaviour from childhood. Even the most straight-forward case can be far more nuanced, a confused entanglement of drives and desires.

Nothing is simple with humans, nothing is black and white, all emotions have their positive and negative, and blame is no different.