Making Couples Counselling Work*

I have seen many couples over the years, and while most have positive outcomes, they are not all success stories. Some of these failures have involved individuals who were intelligent, successful and genuine people, who wanted to the relationship to succeed, yet ending up apart. Couple therapy is not easy and it is not quick, however it is my view that the following four observations are key to a successful result.

*Note these guidelines are for unhappy yet essentially balanced couples, and are not appropriate for individuals in abusive, controlling or emotionally manipulative relationships.

 

1. Moving beyond the blame game

In my view the single biggest factor in the success of couple therapy is not the nature of the issues or the severity of the conflict, but the willingness of both parties to accept their role in the dispute, move beyond blame and the anger, and to look within themselves at what behaviour they can change. Indeed, it is common before couple therapy even commences to reflect on the following two questions:

• What can I do to make this relationship better?
• What stops me from doing this?

If your answer to the first question is along the lines of ‘lower my expectations and accept my partner will never change’ the chance of a successful outcome to this process is low.

[A caveat is for situations where both parties agree the conflict arises primarily due to the behaviour of one individual, either as a result of individual depression or anxiety, or as a consequence of an affair or addiction or other unreasonable behaviour. In these cases, it is often best to alternate between individual and couple sessions.]

2. Examining past behaviours

Why are you reading this page? What thoughts and actions, have led you to this point, have moved you from a couple in love to a couple in conflict? Therapy involves an honest exploration of not just past behaviour, but the forces that drive such behaviour. Such forces are invariably shaped by patterns and dynamics often rooted in childhood and earlier significant relationships, both of our parents and previous romantic partners. If we don’t understand the forces and thoughts that underpin our actions, or if we try to brush such reflection under the carpet because it is painful, how can we be sure it won’t return, how can we ensure the process of couple therapy results in meaningful change as opposed to kicking the can down the road.

3. Therapy is a process

Often the very act of attending couple therapy is prompted by crisis, and in these moments fear of separation may result in positive behavioural change. The question is whether, as that fear subsides, old habits will return, whether the forces that shifted you from being in love to in conflict become again more pronounced. Paradoxically, couple work needs time to allow these destructive patterns to resurface, so they can then be examined and countered. It also takes time to regain trust and to recover from the damage caused by prolonged periods of conflict, and to gradually move beyond the cycle of attack and defend. For most couples, for substantive and enduring change, you should be looking at a minimum of three months of therapy, either weekly or fortnightly.

4. Leap of faith

Beyond the all theory and interventions, at its heart couple therapy involves a leap of faith: it involves slowly lowering the defences that keep us locked in conflict and trusting both in the process and in each other. Indeed once we get down to it, eventually couple therapy involves a simple choice: do I want to stay with this person or not. And, for better or worse, ultimately, that is up to you.