Why Couples Stay in Conflict

We all know what to do to make a relationship work: we all know about the date night, being kind to each other,about listening and talking. We all know this, the question is why don't we do it?

In this article I'm going to outline five very common reasons why couples refuse to reconcile in therapy.

1. Anger

You are angry. Angry because of what your partner doesn't do or does do, did or didn't do; because they didn't support you when you needed them after the years you spent supporting them, or for the years of constantly criticism or belittling, the stonewalling, years of not showing you love or affection. The multiple times the point blank refused to make time to see a therapist to work on the relationship.
And now they just expect you to let all that go. To sit in an office with a complete stranger and forget it all ever happened.

2. Trust

You're sitting there in therapy, hearing them say all the rights things. How they are going to make time for you, make time for the relationship, how they are going to put away the phone at dinner time, work less, prioritise family, cut out the drinking, the late nights, the criticisms, the manipulations.
And although as they will often mention in therapy things have changed, and even though you agree and things have got better, there's that little voice in the back of your head, just waiting for it to slip, just waiting for you to let your guard dawn, then they'll back to the same old same old.

3. Fear
You simply don't know how to be in a loving relationship, you don't know how to talk to your partner, you don't know how to show or feel love. You have been so damaged by previous relationships or by your parents, that although on the surface you can show a good game, go through the motions, grand romantic gestures, marriage, children, at a deep and fundamental level, you are driven by fear. Fear of letting someone in and them rejecting you, fear of not being good enough, fear of being shamed or manipulated. Yet these fears go hand in hand with a profound and intense desire for the love.

4. Two Voices
No-one wants to be in a failing relationship. And all of us have this voice which tells us to forgive and forget, to show love and understanding. The problem is sometimes we have a louder voice telling you not to. Telling you not to put up with this, to keep your guard up, or even that attack is the best form of defence.

This voice has been passed down through generations and been forged in childhood and early romantic relationships. It tells you what how a relationship should look and what you should expect from a partner. Equally, this voice doesn’t care if you’re unhappy, it doesn’t care if you are locked in conflict. All it cares about is whether you listen to it. Couple therapy is not about denying this voice, but trying to work out when to listen to it and when to ignore it, when it is healthy and constructive and when it is less so. Yet, for some, that can be a major real struggle.

5. Lack of desire
You're just not that into them anymore. You feel the relationship is over and maybe you can't just bring yourself to face that, maybe conflict is a way to force each other to end it?
Now perhaps this lack of desire is temporary, perhaps it's just the pressure of this constant conflict, or perhaps it's family work, young children, financial pressure, mid-life crisis and you just need some time off, time on your own, to rediscover who you are.

Or perhaps it's not. Perhaps the relationship has run it's course and attending therapy is not to fix the relationship but to finish it.

These are the reasons. And how to we get round these reasons? Well that's why couples come to therapy.