Why We Sabotage Ourselves

Do you ever find yourself doing things at one level you don't want to do, yet at another level you can't seem to stop. Perhaps you are jeopardising your career, letting friends down or pushing away romantic partners?

Such behaviour may be an example of sabotaging, or self-sabotaging, and in my view, the first step to get a handle on self-sabotaging behaviour is to really reflect on whether what you want is really what you want. Because we will be aware such behaviour is destructive or damaging, and although there is a voice in your head telling you to stop, to shake yourself out of it, there seems to be an even louder, and even more powerful voice telling you to continue.

Finally self-sabotaging behaviours is not necessarily the same as addictive behaviour.. Yes addiction can be seen as a type of sabotaging behaviour, and yes they may cover the same ground, however how we think about and how we move beyond addiction is markedly different.
However if you believe you are engaging in sabotaging behaviours, here are four points you may want to think about.

1. It's telling you something

Even though you may think and say and protest that you want that promotion, or you want to go away with those friends, you actually don't want it. You want something else. The whole question of what we want and why we want what we want, is complicated, problematic. It's like a lot of things, clear from afar, but the closer we look the more confusing the picture.

And in this sense this voice for destruction may actually be your true voice. It may want to end a relationship at a deep level it feels is harmful, or it may not want a promotion that everybody else says is so wonderful, but that you actually dread. Destruction is not always negative. It can be positive. It may be tearing things down to rebuild, destruction paving the way for construction. Or it may be forcing you to accept a deeper unhappiness you just don't want to confront. Perhaps it feels it wants to destroy a life that it feels is locking you in misery.

Often we can find ourselves living a life, in a career that actually we don't really want, but we feel you have to go along with this because of the pressure of others, or perhaps you grew up feeling you have to be a certain way, fall into a certain role, yet that role is incongruent with you true desires.

 

2. Sometimes it's easier to be unhappy

On the one hand it's simple, we want to be happy, we want to be successful, have friends, fall in love. But on the other hand if we grew up not having those things, or we had those things and then lost them, there may be some conflicting emotions. Simultaneously we may want and fear happiness.

Whereas misery can be constant, happiness is always fleeting. There is a security to unhappiness, a familiarity, you know where you are. This might seem odd, but it's not totally irrational. At one level we don't miss what we don't know.

With happiness and success comes the fear that such gains may be lost, and in turn we may be fearful we are unable to handle those losses. Sometimes it's a relief to have nothing,you've got nothing to lose.

3. It's stopping you think about something else

Sometimes we can cause damage in our lives, because damage is a distraction, it keeps us busy. It is easier to focus on the chaos, the destruction than on the feelings behind this drama. It's easier to blame

Equally, at some unconscious level, you might worry if you get that great new apartment or meet some fantastic friends, have a beautiful and caring partner and then you are still unhappy, are still unsatisfied, where do we go from there? Does that mean you will have to look within myself to find the source of my unhappiness or discontent? However for some, looking within oneself can be a terrifying place / prospect

 

4. You don't think you are worth it

You don't believe you should get that promotion, or have these friends or this life, perhaps because you think you are a fraud, or are not worthy.
Such feelings can often be associated with low self-esteem. Now
Low self-esteem can however be somewhat of a catch all for all sorts of maladaptive behaviours. And indeed, in my view, the actual concept of low-self esteem is itself erroneous. We don't have low self-esteem, low self-esteem has been imposed on us,

Nevertheless the feeling that you don't deserve this life can be very real, and it can be incredibly frustrating. You may work towards a goal, only to throw it away right at the finish line because you feel you're not good enough and that can be a damaging pattern to get into, and equally often a different pattern to get out of.

Moving from such sabotaging behaviours is not easy, but often some insight into what is going on and wny can really help you to move forward, either independently or with the help of a therapist.
My name is Sean Delaney, thanks for listening.